I'm an avid reader and reviewer of romance books, especially m-m and erotica. You can find me on http://www.goodreads.com/user/show/4669232-baba-marcus-tyler-tate-dan-ty-hunter
5 stars.*****Review completed May 24, 2013
“Fuck, yeah. That’s good. Yeah, like that.“
See that guy—black suit, devilishly handsome? Yeah, the guy getting the blow job from the luscious redhead in the bathroom stall? That’s me. The real me. MBF: Me Before Flu.
So, like I said what you’re seeing right now isn’t the real me. I have the flu.
Have you ever noticed some of the worst sicknesses in history have a lyrical sound to them? Words like malaria, diarrhea, cholera. Do you think they do that on purpose? To make it a nice way to say you feel like something that dropped out of your dog’s ass?
Poor Drew. He looks like a zombie when he's got the flu. *pets* *evil grin*
Isn't it strange that every man who's got the flu is dying--right in front of your eyes. A sick man is always moaning a woman's ears off. Terrible.
Reminds me of my two little guys and my ex…all their antics…tsk-tsk...
My mom told me once that if men would bear kids, then the couples would never have more than one child. Men couldn't withstand the pain, they would cave in after the first delivery.
I apologize in advance for adding too many quotes and for getting a tiny bit long-winded. There's something you need to know, though. Drew is the perfect man-whore and Baba is the perfect quotes-whore. Ramps up the fun factor, it's all good. *cough*
But I have rules—standards, you might say. One of them is no screwing around at the office. I don’t shit where I eat, I don’t fuck where I work. Never mind the sexual harassment issues it would bring up; it’s just not good business. It’s unprofessional.
And she works here. In my office, where I have sworn to never…ever…screw around. Her warm, soft hand slides perfectly into mine, and two thoughts enter my head simultaneously.
The first is: God hates me. The second is: I have been a naughty, naughty boy for most of my life, and this is my payback. And you know what they say about payback, right?
Yep. She’s one hairy bitch.
“Well, you could do the noble thing and bow out.” Yeah—like that’ll happen.
“In your dreams.”
I smirk. „Actually my dreams involve you bending over something…not bowing.”
She makes a disgusted sound. “Could you be any more of a pig?”
“I was kidding. Why do you have to be so fucking serious all the time? You should learn how to take a joke.”
“I can take a joke,” she tells me, sounding insulted.
“When it’s not being delivered by a childish jackass who thinks he’s God’s gift to women.”
“I am not childish.”
God’s gift on the other hand? My record speaks for itself.
“Oh, bite me.”
„Nice comeback, Kate. Very mature.“
“You’re a jerk.“
„You’re a…an Alexandra.”
She pauses a second and looks at me blankly.
“What the hell does that even mean?”
Think about it. It will come to you.
Kate walks into her office and closes the door, leaving me standing on the outside. This is where men got the shitty end of the stick, people. When God gave Eve that extra rib? He should have given us something extra too. Like mental telepathy.
I once heard my mother tell my father that she shouldn’t have to explain why she was pissed. That if he didn’t already know what he’d done wrong, then he wasn’t really sorry for it. What the fuck does that even mean? Newsflash, ladies: We can’t read your thoughts. And frankly, I’m not entirely sure I’d want to. The female mind is a scary place to be.
Oh yeah. Just one more little detail you should know: I haven’t gotten laid in twelve days.
Two hundred and eighty-eight sex-free hours. I can’t calculate the minutes—it’s too depressing. Remember all work and no play makes Drew a cranky boy? Well, at this point, Drew is practically a goddamned psychopath, okay?
Because you know how some people have gay-dar? Well, I have dump-dar. That means I can pick out a recently dumped female a mile away. They’re easy pickings. All you have to tell them is that their ex is an idiot for letting them go, and they’ll be begging you to nail them.
(view spoiler) now falls into the aforementioned dumped category. Should be a sure thing, right?
Just so you know, men don’t expect a woman to smell like Winter Pine or Niagara Falls or whatever the fuck those feminine products say. It’s a pussy—it’s supposed to smell like one. That’s the fucking turn on.
I read an article once that said having sex extends the human life span. At this rate, Kate and I are going to live forever. I’ve lost count of the number of times we’ve done it. It’s like a mosquito bite—the more you scratch, the more it itches.
I’m just glad I bought the extra-large box of condoms at Costco.
The man on woman action was hot and left Drew somewhat disheveled...
The infamous Bad Word Jar…she's going to rob you blind, Drew. *smirk*
Drew and his niece Mackenzie are so, so adorable together! Loved their interaction. CUTE. The man would do anything for that girl.
The next part is spoiler-tagged in order to shorten my review. Just go ahead and read it, it won't spoil it for you. :-)
I friggin' loved it! Tangled was pure fun, fun, fun! You don't believe me? Seriously? You are missing out on a real winner.
Nice to meet you, darling. Um…I'm in awe. Honestly, I'm kinda speechless and I swear to you that happens not all the time. I'm sitting in front of my laptop, and I'm not sure how to review your story. I might as well do it short and sweet, right? No, you pervert, I didn't say I might as well do you. *stern look* Rein in your overly imaginative thoughts. Do some yoga, that should do the trick. See? That's more like it. By the way, did you know that yoga improves your sex life? Check this out:
Come to think of it, I'm not sure if you would survive even better sex coz your current sex life seems to be quite chirpy, and Kate is wearing you the f@ck out. Yeah, yeah, I'm going to throw a couple dollars into the Bad Word Jar. It doesn't bother me at all. Seriously? *rolls eyes endearingly* Will you stop it now! Shut. It. Drew. You shouldn't disturb me since I'm working on my review. I mean I need to focus on the heart of the matter, right? Hence, you wouldn't want me to screw it up. *a look of utter exasperation* Note to readers: Have you seen how exasperating and tenacious that man is? Whatever. Let's get down to business…
Did you know that if you put a frog in boiling water, he'll jump out? But, if you put one in cold water and heat it slowly, he'll stay in. And boil to death. He won't even try to get out. He won't even know he's dying. Until it's too late.
Men are a lot like frogs.
If, by some catastrophe, (view spoiler) I might as well shave my head and move to frigging Tibet. I hear the monks are hiring.
Yeah, Drew, you are something else. Calling you arrogant with a supremely inflated libido doesn't even begin to cover it. You are crude, very outspoken, sexy as sin, handsome, a womanizer par excellence with an ego that encompasses a whole country. Nope, screw that. It encompasses the whole world, right? The best of the best. Your dick rules your mind and you excel at mouth-to-mouth insufflation among other appetizing things. Nom noms… I know that you never fell in love. Add in the fact that you don't do relationships on principle and we have the perfect premise for a great and absolutely entertaining story. Dude, you're going to fall hard, just saying. Yep, fasten your seat belt, you're going to need it badly. *devilish grin*
Come on, don't look so shocked, darling. Listen, I'm going to introduce you very carefully to your scary fate. Whew, what a shocking concept, right? Well, I gotta tell you something. As a matter of fact, when you're going to meet Kate (no, you jerk, I'm not talking about Kate Princess of Wales, I'm talking about YOUR Kate)…you know the adventurous, very demanding and utterly confident Kate…granted, I'm babbling. Anyway, you will be surprised and you won't be able to imagine what's going to happen to you. You'll be in for it, I swear. Ever heard of being pussy whipped? Hmm…please spare me your 'widening' eyes right now coz it's such a cliché in romance books. Frankly, it annoys the f@ck out of me and we're back to real life, aren't we? I do not need that crap. Thank you for being so forthcoming. *mwah* Huh? Did you just blush? Where was I? Oh, back to your story…
You have no idea how important regular sexual gratification is for us. It's crucial. Vital.
In 2004, UCLA conducted a survey to determine how highly women valued getting off in relation to other daily activities. You know what they found? Eight in ten--that's eighty percent--said if given the choice between sex or sleep, they would choose sleep.
In that same year, NYU conducted its own study. With rats. They implanted electrodes in the brains of male rats and put two buttons in their cages. When the lucky little bastards pushed the blue button, the electrodes triggered an orgasm. When they pushed a red button, they were given food.
Care to guess what happened to all the rats?
They f@cking starved to death.
They never pushed the red button.
Need I say more?
Anyway, here I am. Stuck in my own little cage with no goddamn blue button. But…
Dude, I need to tell you that you've got one seriously warped mind. I'm not sure but have you seen a doctor recently? I mean it, man, since your brain seems to suffer from a serious overload of Ecstasy or cocaine. I actually thought that you could swallow a couple Valium. Um…you see I thought it could help you to ramp down your overactive mind. Honestly, what man's mind is working 24/7? What man is thinking all the freakin' time? What man is talking all the time? Does your dirty mind ever sleep? Gawd, doesn't it wear you out? Truth be told, that man doesn't exist. Hey, calm down, ok? Alrighty, I'll take it back. *goes on knees* There is the one and only Drew Evans! The man. The star. God's redundant gift to women. *gasp* I cannot believe I just said that. Yeah, yeah, spare me your smug smile, dude. I know you are enjoying yourself immensely. *huffs*
Would you please do me a favor? Tell your author that I loved her sense of humor. I loved her writing and it was an incredibly hilarious trip. I totally enjoyed being in your naughty little mind and writing Tangled in first person present tense from your POV was a real knockout. See? Here comes the much awaited praise from moi! Also, I really appreciated her choice of secondary characters. They were well drawn and added to the fun factor, for sure. Your interaction with Mackenzie was utterly priceless.Bagina, anyone? Well, all the power to the vaginas, I am sowith you. You sure are an enlightened man, Drew. *grin*Tangled is actually a breath of fresh air among too many mediocre contemporary romance books.
I must admit, however, that I couldn't take you overly serious. Your character seemed to be kinda exaggerated, something like a parody, you know? Don't get me wrong. I loved it nonetheless, and many things you said were true. Seriously, I loved every single pearl of wisdom that came out of your crude delicious mouth. Well, I know you want me to get down and dirty now. Hah! I know you are waiting for me to hail you with praise for your sexual prowess. Yes, yes, yes, you can eat me all night long, ok? I mean what does it cost me to admit it, right? I'm not the jealous type. Nope. Me? No, of course not. See? I can be totally nonchalant. I swear I would never begrudge you your smexy times with Princess Kate. Never. Ever. Um…can I nail you too? I'm kinda desperate...
My oh my, it was a close call, don't you think? I'm talking aboutyou almost missing the finish line. But you did it and I can't tell you how proud I am of you. Do you remember when you were talking about the best fu@@ing advice ever? Assume nothing. Even if you think you know everything. Even if you're sure that you're right. Get confirmation. Yes! *high five* You have learned your lesson, Drew. Besides, do you remember what else you told me? Yup. This relationship shit is exhausting. Then again you must admit it's so damn worth it, isn't it?
Drew, darling, I need to come to an end now. You know I feel a little bit worn out; I'm not getting any younger either. Besides, my life is kinda busy. Though it was nice chatting with you, and I hope to see you around.
I wish you a life full of love, laughter and happiness.
All the best and take care.
I have been laughing my ass off all the time. Tangled gets theBabalicious Stamp of Approval.
Pussy whipped, thy name is Drew.
Yeah, I know. It's okay. I don't mind. 'Cause if this is the Dark Side? Sign me up. Seriously. Don't be surprised if I start skipping down the street singing, "Zip-a-Dee-fucking-Doo-Dah." I'm that happy.
I don't mind either. Sign me up. I'm happy. Seriously. Cannot wait to read the next book in the series!
P.S. Drew, dearie, just so know…the NILF comment was crude. *shakes head disapprovingly*